I didn't apply to college mostly because I didn't like the idea of the acceptance of my admissions being outside of my control.
As a real estate agent I was limited in my success because I could not bare the disappointment of losing out when competing for a listing.
I also had a difficult time working leads because I became discouraged if my close ratio was not 100%.
I am not afraid of failure. I am afraid of not being perfect.
In some ways this fear has propelled me to succeed in areas where I might otherwise have failed. But in most cases it has held me back. I have a suspicion that many others are affected by the fear of not being perfect, and I hope that this post helps them.
I am working on being comfortable with my true self; working on accepting myself where I am at right now. Being content with who God made me to be.
Ironically I have turned to Donald Trump to help me on this journey. ;) I have bookmarked a page in Trump's book, "Think big and kick ass" that has had a surprisingly profound impact on me:
"A truly positive mental attitude is when you are good at what you do and you are prepared for every possibility, both positive and negative. You can boost your positive mental attitude by being thoroughly prepared. You cannot expect to be successful 100 percent of the time no matter whether you are in business, finance, real estate, management, medicine, or science. If you are not prepared for a negative result, a few minor setbacks, the loss of a promotion, or a deal falling through, such an experience will cause you an unnecessary amount of confusion and doubt. Both a positive mental attitude and a good work ethic are important in creating your own luck, but you cannot rely solely on them.
The real-life truth is that deals do not always close, you do not always land the new account, you do not always win the lawsuit, you do not always get the promotion, your patients do not always recover, and the people you deal with are not always honest. There always circumstances beyond your control. The only way to guard against having your confidence shattered is to come to grips with the stark reality that negative things can and do happen. Count on it. Be prepared for it. Realize that it is life, and that it has nothing to do with you or your abilities. Do not let it shake your self-confidence one iota!"
I guess I just need someone to tell me that it is alright to fail.
That saying, "Failue is not an option," is only a worthy saying if you consider you have not failed when the deal falls through, the patient doesn't get healed, the lawyer loses the case, etc. because your learning something new about how to assist your clients the next time. In real estate, I know it holds true for me, and I've heard other agent's say this too, "I'm constantly learning what not to do."
Jonathan--Sorry, I can't tell you that it's okay to fail--I, too, suffer from perfectionism and I think that when you DO fail, you can't look at it as a failure--you MUST use it as a learning experience--to grow and further develop SUCCESS in your life.
As for 'luck'--I think that we create our own success, sometimes blindly, therefore calling it 'luck'! If we create success while using a plan, then we're brilliant! (Can you tell that I have two teenage sons that I have coached to make their own way in this world--believe in yourself and so will everyone else!?)
Best of luck to you--and don't lose that perfectionism; it helps you to become, ultimately, successful!
Debe in Charlotte, NC
Hi Jon,
Very good post. I like to read stories of people that failed at things many times but kept going. When I started real estate, I also was afraid of making mistakes--mistakes have taught me a lot--usually not to do something the wrong way again!
Hello,
Your quote from, "The Donald," says to me when life hands you lemons made lemonade. Everyone has ups and down in all business it is how you handle them and get around them to the goal line that counts.
Leslie, My problem is that I rarely failed. I didn't put myself into the position to fail often enough. I usually secured every listing appointment I went on. I closed a very high percentage of my leads because I could not accept not closing them. But demanding that level of perfection for yourself takes a big toll on your emotional state, and ultimately meant that I closed less transactions than I would have if I wouldn't have demanded so much from myself.
Jonathan,
Donald's wisdom makes plenty sense. It applies to all phases of our lives. In real estate and mortgages we constantly deal with rejection and once we understand that it's mostly part of doing business, we can go on with confidence and get even better. Timely post.
Plan for success, and plan to accept failure as the price for:
I never thought of it those ways....
Very interesting quote: If you are not prepared for a negative result, a few minor setbacks, the loss of a promotion, or a deal falling through, such an experience will cause you an unnecessary amount of confusion and doubt.
And: There always circumstances beyond your control. The only way to guard against having your confidence shattered is to come to grips with the start reality that negative things can and do happen. Count on it. Be prepared for it
Thank you for the different and compelling perspective.
Team DiMuria, You hint at the concept of success being (or not being) about a closed transaction. For me it wasn't so much about selling a home, but more about a client not choosing me. If that makes any sense.
Fran, As I respond to these comments I am realizing that this post is more about my desires to control other peoples decisions or opinions about me and less about my level of success. It is not about failure, as I am very confident in my abilities to succeed.
Debe, I guess I don't look at failure in the way that it is traditionally looked at. If tomorrow my businesses went bankrupt and I had to start over, I don't think it would phase me for long. I likely wouldn't fret over it at all. But if tomorrow I was in a competition where a panel of judges decided the winner, and I didn't win, that would perturb me a great deal.
Renee, Yes later in the book he talks about how in tough times you should always look at how you can improve the situation with the resources that you do have.
Linda, I am so glad that you think this might help out your son. If he ever wants someone to talk with about it, let him know that I am available! I think that we all write revealing posts like this with the hopes that someone can be positively affected by them.
Esko, Yes, Exactly! Well said.
Deborah, I was great hanging out with you last night at ARDELL's party! You also nailed exactly what I was trying to say. Thanks for presenting it in another way.
(I am going to run to the gym so I likely won't be able to respond to comments for a little while, but I will be reading from my iPhone.)
Jon, Since you used to live in Southern California, I'll mention a local guy who failed several times in his life but ended up owning much of Southern California before he was through.
His name was Lucky Baldwin (Baldwin Park was named after him). After a couple of bankruptcies, he managed to acquire a swath of Southern Californis from the San Gabriel mountains to the ocean. His "estate" is now the Los Angeles County Arboretum in Arcadia. Everybody "knows" this place because a lot of movies (Tarzan flicks) and TV shows (Fantasy Island) were filmed there. It seems that failure only prompted him to reach higher.
Don't fear falling down, only fear not getting back up.
Bill Roberts
Jonathan,
Confucius said "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." Yes, Confucius really said that.
Malcolm Forbes said "Failure is success if we learn from it."
Lewis Morris (who's he?) said "How far high failure overleaps the bounds of low success."
An old Yiddish proverb "The girl who can't dance says the band can't play"
Okay, so I failed to come up with an original comment and had to consult a Book of Quotations.
Jonathan: I completely agree, except for the WINNER part--if you won, didn't you PLAN to win?!! My point in all of my long disertation is that luck is success without a plan and when you plan and win, you've done so with a plan! As for your success with AR--you're a winner! Great idea with many great participant, where if we utilize your service the way it is meant to be used and learn from our peers, we're all sure to be winners. Thanks for sharing your brilliance!
Debe in Charlotte, NC
"It's all right to fail" if you're a narcissist, completely self-involved, and your actions have no effect on others. It's quite another story if your actions have life changing effects on others (like they all loose their jobs). If Donald Trump (aka Biggest Jack Ass on Earth [even bigger than I]) is supporting his mom and she ends up in a cardboard box due to his failure... well - you get the point.
Success, happiness, etc. is always WAY more complicated than a sound bite.
Jonathan - I guess that would depend upon your definition of failure. If anything less than perfect is failure, then it seems a slight adjustment to perception is needed. In MHO, failure can also be never trying. Looking forward to being along for the ride as you try and win more than lose in your quest for self-realization.
Jonathan, Abe Lincoln ran for public office 8 times before he was elected. Steve Jobs was fired from his own company, George Washington Carver, invented many things before he invented peanut butter.
It's not IF we fail, but how we handle it, and if it is our passion, get back up and try again. I like that quote by the Donald.
If for no other reason, I couldn't bring myself to participate in cold calling or door knocking than the unwillingness to subject myself to certain rejection.
I'm just not one to "try things". I like to study, think about, look at stats, trends, evidences and then do what you know will work.
Interesting Jonathan.
I have lots of hang ups that "needing perfection" is not one of them. Having a child cured me of that very quickly!
Would you like the often overused baseball analogy?
A hitter is wildly successful if he can hit the ball once every three times he comes up to bat. And, Babe Ruth led in not just homeruns, but also strike-outs (I keep hearing it, never really checked).
From my world, there are VERY successful racers that have hardly EVER won an event. Others that haven't had their big wins for a while, but they place at even after event, and they beat out the sprinters.
I know I will fail... heck, I take on tasks that I think are almost impossible when I take them on. Losing only hurts if you don't learn...
I didn't read any of the comments so I could skip down....like I tell my (adult) children. It's not failing if you found some kind of lesson it it (learning lesson) and I have told both of them through out their lives that it isn't about being first and being the best ...it's about feeling comfortable that they tried their best. On top of everything else "stuff" happens....
Okay...I just glanced up and saw BB's. Being a failure is giving up...YUP...we learn as we "grow up". Good luck in all your endeavors!
You don't have to be perfect, Jon....... only our Creator is perfect....
That is why we have spellcheck.... and people to remind us to do things.....
and a date book................ and an address book......
So if we forget to do something...we can be reminded or look it up.....
it's also why we have user manuals...to show us the right way of doing things
I agree with a LOT of the comments here to you..... stumbling while learning to do what is right is natural....
Also.........ActiveRain© is kind of a user manual now, isn't it?
;-)
Great Post... failure and success go hand in hand.
By the way... thanks for not only creating this amazing virtual community, but inspiring me to think big in my own Internet endeavors.
Great Post... failure and success go hand in hand.
By the way... thanks for not only creating this amazing virtual community, but inspiring me to think big in my own Internet endeavors.
Jonathon, I absolutely love your quote from Trup. I get the impression that you think a lot like me. It's because I take my "failures" personally, that they affect me the way they do. And like you, if the biz fails and I start over, that's fine, but when people are judging me, uh, ick... I'm actually bookmarking this post, so I can come back and read it again.
Why is my "graphic" the word "bigay"? LMAO! I just love these clarification words! I'm going ot have to do aother post on that! LOL!